The following transcript was leaked to The Dusseldorf Daily by an undisclosed third party. It is an unedited portion of an interrogation conducted by Interbowl agents on a temporary prison barge believed to be located approximately 35 miles off the coast of Mombasa, Kenya, with missing journalist and official King Pins biographer Werner Splitz. As of publication, his current whereabouts are unknown.

[metal door slamming]

INTERBOWL: Do you know why you’re here?

SPLITZ: Where am I? Who am I? They found me in the ocean…left for dead…Wombosi…

INTERBOWL: Quit it, Splitz. That won’t work on us like it did the last agents, we’ve actually seen The Bourne Identity

SPLITZ: Oh. Well. Um. Then explain…these tattoos! I’m trying to decode them, I think they might lead me to my wife’s killer, but I can’t remember what they mean

INTERBOWL: We’ve seen that one, too. That one says ‘don’t believe Interbowl’s lies’ and we watched you write it on your arm in Sharpie 10 minutes ago, there’s a camera in here. We’ll cut to the chase, Splitz. We know what you’ve been doing. You’re a wanted criminal

SPLITZ: No, that’s not me, that’s not right, I’m just a humble journalist on sabbatical. I’m travelling the world researching various cultural recreational leisure activities, for, uh, a book. And I didn’t tell my wife and children so that they didn’t try to steal the idea. Yes, that’s it.

INTERBOWL: Cut the shit, Splitz. The term ‘Reverse Bowling’ mean anything to you?

SPLITZ: Oh come now, Detective, why would you bring me here to tell me a fairy story? It’s a myth. A lane lark. A pin parable. An alley –

INTERBOWL: Just tell us what it is, Splitz. For the record.

SPLITZ: Very well. It’s a banned form of bowling, reported across a variety of ancient civilisations but first documented in modern-day Mexico, where 10 pins are hurled simultaneously at one ball. However, the ball is often replaced by a person. And this was also often to the death.

INTERBOWL: And does this barbaric perversion of the beautiful game still take place, Splitz? Despite being banned in every sovereign nation on Earth, except for The Vatican? Maybe in…international waters?

SPLITZ: No comment. I want to speak to my bowling lawyer.

INTERBOWL: Oh, we’ve already spoken to Alan Dershosplitz, he’s been implicated in the Epstein flight logs and can’t keep you on as a client. You’re on your own, Splitz. It’s time to name names

SPLITZ: I would never sell out my community

INTERBOWL: We thought you might say that. Here are some snaps that one of our agents took of your ‘sabbatical’. Venezuela: participating in a game of Poison Tree Frog Darts. Tajikistan: refereeing a local Land Mine Boules tournament. Switzerland: presenting the belt to new champion Tyson Furry at the World Series of Orangutan Boxing. Just one of these illegal ‘leisure activities’ could get you significant jail time, Splitz, and we’ve got you on camera involved in 73 of them! You tell us how you found out about all of these games, and we’ll let you take a plea for 7-10

SPLITZ: Months?

INTERBOWL: Years.

SPLITZ: Ah. And if I say no?

INTERBOWL: Either you come with us and face justice, or we extradite you to New Jersey. We hear you made a few enemies in The Pindicate betting on local games, and there’s a bounty on your head. Word is they’re going to gutter your balls, if you catch our drift

SPLITZ: I’m suddenly feeling very chatty. I do have one request before you take me away, though

INTERBOWL: We anticipated this. We have a video recorded by your wife and children, it’s very moving –

SPLITZ: I want an update on the latest season of Premier League Bowling. How did the King Pins fare? Have they spoken of me? Please, I want to know everything

INTERBOWL: Oh. Right. Luckily for you, we had an agent prepare a report on that matter. Agent Glanvill, the PLB dossier please

[footsteps and large binder being slammed down on table]

INTERBOWL: Let’s see… I’ll read you the summary page. Overall finish, 4th place. Apparently, they were close to a podium finish at one stage, if you can believe that, but PCR brought in a ‘shit ton of ringers and rigged the finale’, according to a direct quote from team captain ‘Sheriff’, but that the team had a ‘much improved sophomore season’. Expert statistical analysis offers the contrary opinion that ‘they usually fielded a full team when others didn’t.’ The Chuck’Em Brothers aren’t on speaking terms after Paul left bowling to release his sordid tell-all memoir ‘Chuck You, I Quit’, The Surgeon is awaiting prosecution on 17 counts of medical malpractice, the Diddler’s opened a for-profit orphanage, King Prawn had a well-attended state funeral back in Estonia, and Woof has been seized by animal control and temporarily rehomed to an elderly couple in Chiswick. There’s a new team called the Pinsbury Park Rangers too, they’ve taken on the King Pins’ mantle of letting women play and finishing last. The report doesn’t indicate that those two things are related

SPLITZ: My, I’ve missed so much. I’m proud of the King Pins. Well, maybe not proud. What’s that feeling, when you see an old dog whose back legs don’t work anymore? Yes, pity! More like that. Oh, what of the end of season awards? Who was the Players’ Player of the Year?

INTERBOWL: It says here that it was…ah, from the King Pins, too. Bazooka.

[Sounds of Mr Splitz pacing furiously for a full four minutes, various german expletives]

SPLITZ: Bazooka? Of everyone? How many [blank] did he [blank] for that? The PLB board must be for [blank] sale because how the [blank] does that happen? Are you [blank] kidding me –

[two and a half more minutes of pacing, additional german expletives]

SPLITZ: Fine, cuff me. That broke me. Incarceration seems preferable now, what a world.

INTERBOWL: Thank you for cooperating. What shall we tell your family?

SPLITZ: Tell them guten tag, I guess? Oh, and to dust off the mourning lederhosen in case I’m executed. Appearances are important –

[explosion]

The tape ends there. Interbowl have reported that Mr Splitz was rescued by a splinter group of bowling fanatics from the prison barge. Once again, his whereabouts are unknown and any information that would lead to his capture will be rewarded.